NOT CURLED UP IN A BALL

Welcome to phase 2 of the wonderful world that is chemo. The fact that I am not curled up in a ball of misery at 3 days post treatment is a very good thing. It went well... no allergic reaction (which is really exciting, considering I am typically allergic to everything) and ben did a great job amusing me... Sometimes I wonder if perhaps this is all just a big ploy to have some one-on-one time with friends and family.
The treatment caused some pain and discomfort, but nothing debilitating. Maybe they have you go through AC first so the second half is reasonable in comparison? I do assume this series will be cumulative as well, so I am trying to enjoy the respite. I'm almost over my nasty cold. I'm still coughing a ton-- when the oncologist said "I don't like the sound of that cough" I immediately thought "do I have lung cancer?" Which is really lame and ridiculous, but I guess that's how I'm going to be for awhile (hopefully not forever?). Funny how you think you've come to terms with the whole "new normal" and then something like that happens and you realize how different you've truly become.
Speaking of adjusting to new information, I found out last week that I tested positive for the BRCA1 genetic mutation. Basically, now we know why I got cancer. It wasn't growing up in Colorado, or eating too much candy, or having my first kid over 30... it was because I have a mutation in one of my genes that is known to greatly increase the risk of breast and ovarian cancer. It's pretty amazing, really, that they know this. They even knew to look in one of 3 specific places in the gene because I have eastern european jewish ancestry. If the test had been "negative", it wouldn't have meant that I didn't have some gene that was screwy, just not one of the 2 that they've identified. So now we know. Knowledge is power, right? (...but isn't ignorance bliss?) In any event, now my path forward isn't necessarily as clear. This gene mutation indicates a level of risk that may induce me to have more surgery-- prophylactic bilateral masectomy and/or oophorectomy (e.g., boobs and ovaries removed for protection). Back I go to all of the doctors to learn more about different risk levels, procedures, and options. yippee. Honestly, it was pretty hard not to be devastated... I just so wanted to see that light at the end of the tunnel (which, apparently, was a train?) but the truth remains it is what it is, and now I just know more about it-- so we can make more educated decisions.
The concept of being a genetic mutant is one that could lend itself to some good jokes (or a movie roles in an X Men movie, perhaps?). I did really come out on the lucky side of the genetic dice toss, though... Honestly, I'd rather be smart and sick for awhile, than stupid for my whole life. Granted, right now I'm both stupid and sick, but it's all about the timeline.
For what it's worth, dear readers, I no longer feel like I'm on the downward side of all of this. What's that called when you're hiking? A false peak? There's something so debilitating about thinking you were on the way down and looking up to see further to cliffs to scale. As Xander would say, I NEED you (although for the full guilt-ridden emphasis you'd probably need to hear the actual whine-sob). I need your blog entries, your emails, your calls, your cards, your good wishes-- anything-- to continue. I know it's been months already and this is getting, to say the least, tiresome... but as my energy continues to wane with each passing chemo, I don't doubt I have it in me (wellmaybesometimes) but I've pretty much given up the ghost on the independence thing, hard as it is (andOHitishard) to admit. help.

A few more (HUGE) things to be happy about:

• Happy Bday Whammy & Benny! (5/3)
• tomorrow jim and I go to Austin to participate in the wedding of our dear friends Matt and Caroline, with the added bonus of getting to see common friends from around the world (Peru, Sri Lanka, DC...)

I will be back, hopefully feeling better than in recent memory (which in my case goes to about 5 minutes ago), on Tuesday.