LOVED ONES RECALL LOCAL MAN'S COWARDLY BATTLE WITH CANCER
This is a headline from the Onion "Dispatches From the Tenth Circle" book I received several years ago. (Other headlines include "Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell"). I typically think the Onion is hilarious, but this headline has always stuck with me and I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
Who is considered cowardly when battling cancer? Why is it a battle? If I don't "win" is it because I haven't fought hard enough? Can I do anything to fight harder? Why would I possibly want to pump more toxic chemicals into my body just because I don't feel bad enough? (oh, but I would). Yesterday my oncologist told me I was a "Poster Child for Chemo" because I've dealt so well with it so far. Am I supposed to be proud of this? (why am I?) Like people who get miserable sick are somehow worse people than I am somehow? Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that things have gone so well so far, but what happens when I do start to feel miserable (which I might) and my hair finally does fall out (which it is starting to) --does that mean I've done something wrong? Like I just didn't have a good enough attitude, or wasn't (*gasp*) getting in enough happy thoughts sent my way?
I've latched onto this Brave and Strong thing because I thought it would help me deal. And it has. I do truly believe that a positive attitude makes a big difference, at least to me. But I'm torn. Part of me wants to be cheery and optimistic and put up a brave face and be strong and witty and all that good stuff. Sometimes I feel like if I'm not then I'm letting everyone down... especially myself and my family. But even when I am upbeat I feel kinda guilty that I'm letting the cancer community down somehow... like playing into the potentially destructive "survival worship" embodied by the whole Lance Armstrong thing. Like it's important I explain that it just really does suck and is miserable sometimes. (And I have it good.)
I used to wear a "LiveStrong" bracelet in support of my friend, who's way more than I brave and strong father had pancreatic cancer. I stopped wearing it for some stupid reason (I think because alexander kept wanting to chew on it). I still have it, but won't wear it now. Because I would feel like a hypocrite. What's that about? It's like I can't (don't want to) identify with the whole cancer community because that would be acknowledging that in some way I am in this life and death fight (there's that battle thing again) that I truly want no part of--and, as my sister would say, don't even have time for? (like anyone has time for this crap).
Really, what I am supposed to say to those well-meaning people who see me in the hall, and, as they realize who they're looking at, stop walking and their faces shift somehow... they inevitably touch me on my arm (note, I'm not a touchy person), look intently into my eyes and say "how are you?!"
"Read the blog." I guess.
How am I? Still feeling remarkably well, really. Tired, and a bit too introspective, obviously. And lucky--that I do feel ok and have so much support and all that good stuff that I really shouldn't feel guilty about.
Better lucky than good, my grandfather always said.
posted by Carolyn @ Tuesday, March 21, 2006
17 comments
17 Comments:
Hi Cari,
Your attitude and present experience I see has providing hope those who aren't doing as well as you. Even if they don't "get better". You are a genuine, kind, hard working and smart women. You are the type of person people enjoy being around because there is no b.s., no everything is great when it's not... People I have a feeling feel like they can be themselves with you. For example, saying something like I feel like shit but they don't want you to fix them or feel "how can she understand?" Cancer is cancer and it is tough. I truly doubt anyone wants you to join them in their boat. They probably don't want to join you in yours...two young kids, and being so young. Make sense?
All you need to think about is being you and making things work for you(Jim, and the kids) best you can. The gratitude you express is wonderful and anyone who is recieving it probably feels like their glad they are able to help out.
Be kind to yourself! I know you are probably sick of hearing it but that is what I think of when I read your blog.
Liked your list of things you have learned!
: )
Cyn
Hmmm. I'm going to have to think about this one.
(pause)
I have had similar thoughts from the other side of this whole thing. Like, "What if I don't say the right thing?"
"What if I don't send enough good stuff?"
"What if Cari dies?"
"What if others on the blog are offended?"
And so on.
I remember a distinction learned once upon a time at a seminar, called "empty and meaningless". It basically says, "Life is empty and meaningless, and it is empty and meaningless that life is empty and meaningless."
Hold onto your hat. I've already got my flame suit on, so fire away out there. I can defend this one any day.
If you can unwind that last statement in your mind, you'll probably have one of two reactions to it. The really common one is, "What?? Are you kidding?? Of course it's not!! Life is important!!"
The other one, and the one I intended (and the seminar intended) is this: as humans, we are meaning-making machines. It is what we do and we can do no other. Even saying "no it's not! It's important!" is assigning meaning.
To me, that means that everything in life that is assigned a value (high or low), is assigned by me, by you, by everyone. It is what we do and we can do no other.
In that statement lies so much power to understand another's experience in the world. To simply see that they find meaning in their own way (good and bad), and that there is nothing inherently right or wrong in how they see the world. Nor is there anything inherently right or wrong in the world in the first place, but that we make it so! To a terrorist, it's martyrdom. To us, it's murder.
One person wears a yellow arm band. Another wears a T-shirt that says, "Fuck Cancer." Someone out there will say that the first is more elegant or sophisticated. Someone else will say that the second is more self-aware and powerful. Is either one "Right"? Not so much (sez I). But both absolutely have something to say, however they choose to say it.
The other thing about empty and meaningless is it gives you access to the fact that everyone else out there is just as afraid as you are--of talking to a stranger on the elevator, of looking good, of saying the wrong thing. They are afraid that if they don't say "how ARE you?", they'll be perceived as insensitive or something. More assigned meaning. Assigned by them, in their mind, as what they think you'll think! How's that for mind games?!
If we were all so aware of things, perhaps more people could come up to you and say,
"Wow, breast cancer, huh? Man, does that ever BLOW!"
And not be worried about you taking it the wrong way.
So it's either my biggest fault or my biggest asset, but either way, I'll just keep saying what's on my mind, give you support in the way I can, and go from there. And I know others out there are doing the same, every day, every minute.
It may not be perfect, but it will continue to be me, undiluted. And I'll be the one wearing the "Fuck Cancer" T-shirt and saying, "Man, that blows."
bmc :)
And so you begin to see the paradoxes and confusion once faces when diagnosed with cancer...
I can sooooo get what you are saying in this post. I thought about a lot of the same things. The fact that people always say all you need is a positive attitude but knowing that lots of people with fantastic positive attitudes die everyday from cancer. Worrying that I wasn't being positive enough. Scared of feeling scared. Feeling guilty for doing so well with chemo and then feeling bad that I wasn't doing well enough to continue working through it.
What I've been told by my lovely therapist who is also a breast cancer (in her 30's too) survivor is that it is important to not feel guilty about how you feel. That seemed to work well for me. You will have good days and bad. There will be times when all you can think about is death and then times when cancer doesn't even enter your mind. The important thing is to talk about it. Studies show that women who hide their cancer and don't talk about it don't do as well.
See, and there I go with more pressure. This whole situation is a double edged sword.
My matra always was (in rejecting everybody telling me I was always so brave), "Do whatever it takes to get through the day. It doesn't have to be pretty." And many days it wasn't.
I think that everybody deals with cancer differently and it is important to be honest with yourself and stay true to what feels right. I guess there is really no RIGHT way to get through this. One just does the best they can.
Personally, we like the 'Fuck Cancer' t-shirt. But really it doesn't matter what we like, all that matters is that you do what you need to do to make it through this hell that you are living in.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it gives us such a great insight into your emotions and struggles. It is truly a gift to read this blog and enter your world, however real and scary it is. Keep writing, we are here reading and rooting for you.
Love,
Mike and Andrea
I know how hard it is for you to just sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop (or as Mom might say, wait for the other earring to fall ;) ). You are, and always have been someone who takes control of her own destiny. You have too much motivation and energy to sit around and just let things happen. As I told you earlier today, take the time you have to relax and take care of yourself. If that results in introspective, scary thoughts, so be it.
Personally, I think the LiveStrong bracelets are great. You will notice though that less and less people are wearing them these days. Unfortunately, they became a trendy item. But on the positive side, tons of money was raised for cancer research. You are not a hypocrite if you wear that, a pink ribbon, whatever. You would be wearing it to show support and raise awareness. Your support and awareness of the disease certainly increased with your diagnosis.
Times like these, I can understand why people turn to God for support. It feels comfortable to believe there's a higher power looking out for you. It is tempting for me to say a prayer to heal you. But speaking of hypocrites, I would certainly feel like one since the last time I prayed, I was asking God to make a boy like me in Jr. High ;)
For now, I will have to stick to my lucky underwear to see you through. It has gotten the Gators to the Sweet 16, I'm sure it can cure cancer as well. Don't worry, I wash them :)
Love ya,
T
Dear Poster Child --
I understand your being conflicted, but please know this -- Your family and friends will love and support you unconditionally whether you are optimistic or pessimistic, cheery or depressed, healthy or sick, naturally coiffed or bald...whether you continue to go to work or decide to stay home more...whether you continue to be a model mother or let Jim and others take over...whether you go tubing with Alexander or watch from the sidelines...whether your blog postings are funny or introspective...whether you wear Lance's bracelet or not.
As for Pop's "better lucky than good" statement...you may recall my addendum: "but it's best to be good and lucky." You are BOTH...and you don't need to feel guilty about that!
I love and respect you so much, and I am incredibly proud that you are MY (poster) child...Dad
Carolyn -
A few thoughts from the other side of town...I agree with those that said you should be sure to FEEL your feelings. You are not one to ignore them, which is great. This is going to be one of your biggest weapons to win the war. You know, you are right...screw the war analogy. Let's try again.
Recognizing your feelings as you feel them is going to be your strongest hiking pole as you climb your mountain. It will support you no matter if you are stepping with a sure-foot, or if you are slipping on a rock. And sometimes, you will miss planting your feelings in the right spot. But no matter - there is a trail to be hiked and you are the type of person that will find a way to get going again! Sometimes you need to rest and sometimes you will feel good to be going forward. However you feel - embrace your feelings and let them flow. I've said it before and will say it again...crying is very thereaputic and can push a fast forward button on your feelings (much moreso than by holding them in).
And as far as letting people down? The only person you need to worry about right now is you - and the rest of us know that - so go ahead and ignore us. OK so Xander, Liam and Jim are right up there too...what I am trying to say is that if you focus your energy on the things you need to do to get your body better, the rest will fall into place. Don't feel that you have to do anything to help the rest of us deal - we will all find a way.
And your positive attitude to date has been phenomenol. You have built up enough good will with everyone around you through your life as well as during this whole experience that I can honestly say that there is nothing you could do from here on out that would let any of us down. Nothing. You are an amazing, intelligent woman who is facing your mountain head on and even if you decide to sit down and rest on the journey, be sad, or cry, that is fine by me. I can't say that I understand what you are going through - I can say that I will support you no matter what. And I will. For as long as it takes.
Sending you a boatload of juju - whatever flavor you need right now,
Karlynn
http://www.cafepress.com/buy/cancer/-/pv_design_details/pg_1/id_7594037/opt_/fpt_/c_/hlv_t
Carolyn -
I am placing my order now.
:::cheesy smile:::
Wow, Pam, who knew that someone beat me to the punch??? I like the CCKMA one too...
Cari, I am humbled reading all these amazing posts today. It is super-cool that the people around you can almost sense when it's a "heavy" day--not that they aren't all heavy in some ways, but they know when the words will make the most difference. I glanced back at "Keeping the wolves at bay". 42 Comments. 42!! That's 42 people who thought of you on a most important day and knew that they would be needed. At my own wedding, I remember looking around the room and saying to Kathryn, "It's so amazing that every one of these people are gathered here in our honor." It's the same for you now. You've earned it dozens of times over in your life already. We're all still here....
love you.
bmc :)
Cari, I am also trying to catch up on my blog reading. This is my first experience with "blogs", so I find myself reading more than typing, and then by the time I go to share my thoughts my baby on my lap in fussy and my toddler is destroying the house or trying to type on the computer at the same time.
I just want to share my two cents and let you know that I am first and foremost keeping you in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I have had several people dear to me battle cancer, all with different experiences but you are by far the person who I have seen reach out to other people for support and help through all of this. I truly feel that is why you are doing so well with your treatment. Which I am so happy for you for that.
I love your mantra and I think if you keep telling yourself that, there is no reason why you can't become as Brave as a Tiger and as strong as an Ox. You've amaze me and you've erased any worries that I have for you because I know you are strong enough to make it through all of this. Keep your chin up and may God bless you. Kate P.
Dear Cari,
You continue to be a remarkable and introspective woman. You are juggling so many roles and doing all amazingly well. I think it is wonderful you are not feeling the effects of chemo as much as other people. Isn't it about time your young age comes into play on something? :)) You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I don't know though, it is kind of hard to compete with T's lucky underwear! Hang in there kiddo...see you guys this weekend.
Colleen
Dear Cari --
A blast from the past here...Cindy Gebhardt (now it's McCown, though). I can't imagine what exactly you are dealing with (the posts give me an excellent idea - same great writing as the letters we exchanged in college...entirely unwelcome circumstances though), but I do know that you are dealing with it with strength, courage and resolve. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jim and your family. I'm glad to hear things are going well so far and I hope that trend continues...
my dad always says that 'rather be lucky than good' thing, too. just one more similarity between you and I (just kidding, 'me'... wanted to see if you were paying attention). so i guess the good news is you are BOTH lucky AND good. so there. maybe you should just walk around going... 'na nana na naaaaa na, i'm lucky AND good, iiiiiiiii rock.' in a whiny sing song voice. and then you could get jim and the kids to join you... cuz 'it'll make you feeeeeel good'. ok, maybe not, but it's an amuzing mental image so allow me my moment of silliness.
and then maybe sit back and revel in your warm fuzzy love blanket, cuz that WILL make you feel good. I'm sending you a big warm gentle hug right now. Won't be too long before I can do it in person.
love you,
megO
This was an incredible blog and I thank you for sharing all those thoughts!!! Absolutely revel in the fact that you feel OK -- no guilt! That's wonderful as it gives you time to write these fabulously introspective and brilliant blogs! You go! Jewell
There are some weird dynamics in having a blog, aren't there? Especially when lots of people read it. (the good news & the bad) Several times, I've begun to write, and then realized I can't find the right words & it might not sound good after all the other really positive, creative, witty things everyone else alread said. And I'm just commenting.
You have introduced me to the world of cancer. I think it's awesome that you've invited us into your life. But if you're too positive, it doesn't sound real. Where's the frustration? Where's the sadness? It HAS to be there. It's okay to write it. I want to hear it.
I am frustrated & sad at the whole damned situation. It sucks. I can write all day about how proud I am of you (because I am), and about amazing you are (because you are), about how many happy thoughts I'm sending (because I do think "strength, courage" and wish it would multiply in you), and I can write about other stuff that doesn't include feelings. In the end though, if I don't say I'm sad, I still am.
I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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