I CAN SEE THE TUNNEL
My Mom has this amazing gift for inadvertent malapropisms-- i.e., mixing/messing up common expressions. Some classic examples: "Never bite a gift horse in the mouth," and "I wish I was a mouse on the wall." I have inherited this talent (e.g., "There's a light at the end of the rainbow.") In any event, my sister T uses the expression "I can see the tunnel" (on purpose, unlike our mom and me)... This is where I am. I don't quite see the light at the end (which, as carol keeps reminding me, may be a train, so maybe this is a good thing) but I'm well on the path (enough that I can't see the way back.)
Assignment TigerOxers: (new word of the day)
Monday is chemo #4. This is my last round of Adriamiacyn/Cytoxan (after which I have 4 rounds of Taxol). From what I've heard, the "AC" is worse than the "T" part as far as feeling icky goes, so next week should (hopefully) be the worst of it. Honestly, I'm dreading it-- especially considering how cumulatively worse the experiences have been so far. So, dear readers, I need your help. I need you to recommend (specific) fun things to do that don't involve much focus from me (e.g., movies-- good, books-- too hard). It'd be great if you want to even plan/join me... just know I won't be good company.
How's that for blatant pleading? But it's come to that. Pressure's on.
Alternative medicine:
My personal contribution to lowering the feelin'-crap-o-meter for next week involves (beyond just giving up and actually planning to take the whole week off of work ahead of time) some attempts at alternative/complimentary medicine. For example, I'm going to try acupuncture. I have my first appointment tomorrow, and another one next week. (reasontobehappy#48,576: not afraid of needles). I'm also going to try some "special" brownies. It will be a week a firsts. Should be an adventure.
A few more "things you learn":
- I now have chemo-induced anemia (low red blood counts), so now I qualify for (and am receiving) another bi-weekly $6,000 dollar shot in addition to the one that is doing a great job keeping my white blood cells up. At first when they told me I was surprised, because I didn't feel that tired-- but the nurse pointed out that maybe I'm just used to being tired all the time because of the kids.
- Once I read the handout about chemo-induced anemia I suddenly got many new side-effects, including dizziness and shortness of breath that were (shockingly) listed on the handout. I will not be reading anymore handouts.
- Before, my eyes were pretty much brown. Now that I don't have brown (ok, any) hair, they're pretty much green.
- I wax nostalgic about legacy hairballs I find around the house (which I will find from now until eternity, apparently)
- Insomnia is a chemo side effect I didn't know about until I found out first hand this week. It was good to learn I wasn't going insane, since I'm pretty much exhausted most of the time and couldn't understand why I just couldn't go to sleep. Ambien Rocks.
- At first I just scheduled acupuncture for after chemo, but it was pointed out to me that it's not like taking a pill, so I signed up for an appointment this week as well while I'm feeling ok.
- Liam is remarkably unphased by his O2 leash and giggly as ever. Maybe even more so. (Maybe because he can breath now?) That baby is one huge tickle button.
posted by Carolyn @ Wednesday, April 12, 2006
20 comments
20 Comments:
Ahhh, memories of eating bag after bag of chips and drinking Five Alive by the half gallon...not that I ever did any of that...
For fun activities, you can always sort m&m's and write up conspiracy theories for publication to the web. Terrorize other shoppers at Safeway with one of those electric carts. Sit on a bench downtown and mutter insults under your breath at passers-by, and then swear innocence when they say, "What did you just say???"
Some real ones:
Paris on the Platte is still a great place to have a cup o' joe or whatever and just hang, though kinda smoky (is Denver smoke-free yet?). Aquarium. Movies. Drive in the mountains (with someone else driving, oh great snow hiker). Call your old pal Ben. See how far you can get (full circle?) by linking from one blog to the next. Cafe Gondolier for the lunch spaghetti special if you have any appetite. Color. Convince your kids of some of the stuff in "Great Lies to Tell Small Kids". Massage/Spa day? Ginger cookies (good for nausea if you like them). Hmmm...I'll have to think of more.
We call your mom's talent "Kathy-isms", because she has a huge talent for it as well. Of course I can't remember any right now, but I have fallen over laughing more than once. Our favorite intentional one is "That color looks very flatulating on you."
I hope that the next round is the peak of the yuckiness and that it is all downhill from here. We're still sending you all the good stuff we can, and you are always on my mind. Hang tough, time is indeed passing though I'm sure it doesn't seem like it sometimes.
love,
bmc and the Northwest Chapter :)
Carolyn -
Lay on your back and look at the clouds with your kids (it's amazing that you can always find a cloud that looks something other than a cotton ball) - if there are no clouds, then just smell/see/hear the sights and sounds (and pollen count) of spring. Or, get a magnifying glass and see if you can set things on fire using the sun. Or, eat ice cream and think of new flavor names/combos for Ben & Jerry. Or, make a list of the the 1000 safety devices that exist for kids these days that we didn't have (and still survived...my sister remembers the days before bactiene and my mom used rubbing alcohol). Or think of 101 ways to eat chocolate (in a chair, at work, on the couch, with you fingers, with your toes, with your best friend). Or just think of me and realize that the gifted and talented organization made a mistake and allowed one too many dorks in that year...and laugh loudly.
I am sending you positive thoughts.
RBW Fan Club - Pasadena Chapter
Carolyn -
Yay for your last does of that icky red stuff! This calls for a celebration :) Here are a few fun things to do...any of which I would love to do with you:
* Sit in the grass in the sun.
* Take your kids to the park and watch them play.
* Color in a coloring book using a good 'ole box of 64 Crayolas
* Have your favorite book read to you (I can do some great voices, if you are interested - even a few accents :)
* Write a letter to Jim to tell him how amazing he is
* Listen to classical music and try to hear the different instruments
* Go see an IMAX movie - DNM is showing Mystic India and the Tour de France.
* Plan an end-of-chemo party for June (J & I would love to host!)
* Sit quietly and hold hands with someone you love
* Write down a list of your blessings
* Go to a spa and get massages (make sure those toxins find those rouge cells!)
* Drive in the mountains in a new Toyota Hybrid
* Have a picnic lunch during the week (I would sneak out of work :)
* Write down a list of all the people who are thinking about you (either write small, or get several pieces of paper!)
As always - sending you lots of positive, healthy thoughts.
Karlynn
Nobes-
Tell me how those brownies work. I hear they're a great MS snack, too.
Eve
Hi Cuz, If you go the way of movies, here are a few of my favorite "mindless" movies. I'd like to be able to bring them over to you...but there are a few too many states in the way. Sounds like you have plenty of people in Denver who would gladly go to the movie store for you! You local TigerOxers rock!!
~ Ever After
~ Bridget Jones
~ Moulin Rouge
~ Strictly Ballroom
~ Clue
~ Noises Off
~ Bourne Identity
~ Wedding Singer
Make sure you get someone to make you some popcorn (if you feel like it). Thanks for giving us some ways to contribute to your health and well being.
Love a
Ca(t)ri-
I forgot to offer my suggestion of activities. How about you teach Alexander "by the right flank, left flank, double to the rear, with a slight hesitation, 'arch!" and tell him stories of being a drill team babe and all of your Mardi Gras parades.
Eve
well - i am not so good at the mindless things ..... however, remind me someday to tell you my great story about those special kinds of brownies - it involves a very lengthy conversation, in which neither person actually spoke a word.......
Hi if you want to just kick back after your chemo and read, try the Jan Karone series of books - 8 in the group - you hopefully would enjoy them as much as I have. Also calmihg music will help. Good idea, the acupunture treatments. Know folk have been helped with this type of treatment and since it won't affect your chemo treatments go for it. Try to get outdoors and enjoy the beauty of the day, that is always calming. Whatever you decide to do, make it special and peaceful for yourself dear....AJ
Cari, I'm thinkin' the cockroach thing MUST have some connection to our dormroom sophomore year! especially the flying ones!
At the moment the only mindless feel-good activity I can think of is a mani-pedicure... you could do one now and we'll go together when I get there.
Let me sleep on it... I'll try to think of some more whilst I send you your evening dose of happy thoughts...
Big hugs,
megO
visions of endless brownie-induced scrums are dancing through my head!!!!!!!! could be quite entertaining, given the participants and the brownie side affects!!!
perhaps you should consider sharing!
b
(you don't even have to waste much needed energy guessing- i gave myself away)
What? Brownies with magical ingredients? Do you remember the Q clearance party? That might have been the reason it was held to celebrate that we got a clearance after some brownie experiences. Ah, memories....
Acupuncture too? We want to see pix of that for sure! Metallic porcupine look...cool!
Go rent a bunch of comedy DVDs. Some TV show DVDs might do the trick. My personal faves, but not likely to be yours:
Arrested Development
Family Guy
The Office
I heard Curb Your Enthusiasm is pretty good too.
phil
Cari,
Nothing wrong with looking for distractions.
Sometimes it may be helpful to look at the desire to be distracted and the accompanying mind-states.
Rather than the habitual reaction of trying to escape suffering, boredom, etc., you can try observing it with an attitude of curiosity. Sometimes the desire to avoid suffering contributes to the suffering.
Say to yourself, "It is OK to feel this way, for now (i.e. not that it feels good, but I can accept that I feel this way. How exactly does it feel?) No need to label - just experience it as it is.
Notice, if you can, that the experience continues to change. See if you can also tell if the experiencer - if there is such a one - and what is experienced are different or the same.
What is it that is surrounding the experience? is it love?
Blessings,
Uncle B
Carolyn -
Just wanted to wish you a very Happy Easter - hope the big bunny (not to be confused with the Energizer Bunny) stops by and brings you a solid (not hollow) bunny, a handful of marshmallow chicks (I think the correct term is "peeps") and a pair of socks (well, that's what used to be in my basket as a kid...my sisters were older and they didn't get socks, they got a pair of pantyhose in a L'eggs container...). If you really get bored, get some of those malted milk chocolate eggs, lick the outside and then paint your lips blue (or pink or green). I have a photo suitable for blackmail of me doing this in college. Baby blue is really not a good color for me. Sending you another dose of happy thoughts!
Take Care,
RBW Fan Club President
I'm another young (age 33) mother doing chemo now. (I have a suspicion that Uncle B hasn't experienced chemo, but that's just a guess. :)
Things I have done to pass the time while feeling cruddy:
(1) Be involved with the kids as much as I can.
(2) Tivo and Netflix. Here's one list of the 100 funniest movies: http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/laughs.aspx. But I find that my attention span isn't even good for movies sometimes. I do better with short TV shows. I Tivo funny shows like Seinfeld (didn't watch it the first time around) and Whose Line is it Anyway?
(3) I spent practiced handwriting a lot after my last treatment. I'd been wanting to improve my handwriting for a while so it was semi-practical too. I used this book http://www.cep.pdx.edu/titles/write_now/.
(4) Hot baths were good when I was achy from Neulasta. But they don't recommend those if you're having any lymphedema trouble. Sometimes that was the only way to be comfortable.
(5) Sudoku. Not too mentally taxing and pleasantly addictive.
If I knew how to knit or crochet, that would be a good way to pass the time. I think it would be too mentally taxing to learn.
You are going through the tunnel and you are half way there! Not only can do it...you can kick this cancer thing in the groin!
Hang in there and keep up the writing! Here if you need me for anything!!
Thinking of you!
Dana
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Happy Sunday, Supafly...
Just thinking of you as the sun sets in Seattle (another gasp!), and wishing you all the best and love and strength and hope and other good things for tomorrow morning.
This glass will then be half empty, thankfully.
If I could open my soul and pour it into yours, I would do it right now (a la "Generation X"). Until then, the electronic version will have to do.
love,
bmc :)
Hey Cari,
Okay, now I have to admit that I'm still bitter about Florida beating UCLA in the NCAA finals earlier this month. But I do realize that the Nobel ties to the Gator Nation are strong, so I'll have to get over it soon.
Alison, Jacob and I are thinking about you ... we have no doubt that your mom has passed on enough of her relentless competitive spirit in you to push through this physically taxing week. And remember that when the week is over, you're even entitled to gloat the way your mom does after a victory.
We visited JMU last weekend (for an alumni water polo tournament in which I played) ... I showed Alison the athletic facilities, passing by the racquetball courts ... I was then reminded of playing your dad there once, running all over the court, watching him not even break a sweat, and listening to Lisa laughing from the viewer's balcony above.
Please know that we're with you, now and always.
Love,
Mike Wissot
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