I FEEL PRETTY (notsomuch)
Chemo #4 went fine yesterday and I've been enjoying taking advantage of all of your suggestions of distracting things to do-- thanks (keep 'em coming)!! I've also been pondering the suggestion to, (paraphrased badly by me) observe the experience with curiosity, experience it as it is, with no need to label. Sadly, I've failed miserably, enough so that I've come up with (new words to) a song. (Thanks to T and Carol for help with the lyrics).
Sing it with me now.
Sung to Tune of "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story
(ME)
I feel shitty
Oh so shitty
I feel shitty, not witty, nor bright!
And I pity
Any girl who feels like me tonight.
It’s not charming.
It’s disarming,
It’s alarming how I snarky I feel!
And so icky
That I hardly can believe I’m real.
See the woozy girl in the mirror there:
Who can that sick bald girl be?
Such a scary scar,
Such a tired smile,
Such a perfect head,
Is it really me?
Though I’m dizzy,
And so queasy,
I know to this challenge I’ll rise,
For I’m loved
By three pretty wonderful guys!
I feel lucky
Oh, so plucky,
For my friends are so awesome you see,
A whole village
Has been organized to assist me.
(VILLAGE)
Oh so shitty
I feel shitty, not witty, nor bright!
And I pity
Any girl who feels like me tonight.
It’s not charming.
It’s disarming,
It’s alarming how I snarky I feel!
And so icky
That I hardly can believe I’m real.
See the woozy girl in the mirror there:
Who can that sick bald girl be?
Such a scary scar,
Such a tired smile,
Such a perfect head,
Is it really me?
Though I’m dizzy,
And so queasy,
I know to this challenge I’ll rise,
For I’m loved
By three pretty wonderful guys!
I feel lucky
Oh, so plucky,
For my friends are so awesome you see,
A whole village
Has been organized to assist me.
(VILLAGE)
La la la la la la LA la la
(ME)
I feel ditzy
I feel ditzy
I feel tired
I keep blogging to help me sustain,
Know your comments
Keep me from going insane.
(VILLAGE)
La la la la la la LA la la
(ME)
I keep blogging to help me sustain,
Know your comments
Keep me from going insane.
(VILLAGE)
La la la la la la LA la la
(ME)
See the pretty girl in that mirror there?
(VILLAGE)
What mirror where?
(ME)
Where could that attractive girl be?
(VILLAGE)
Which? What? Where? Whom??
(ME)
(ME)
Still a pretty smile,
Still a fighting spirit,
Still a little nuts
Still the same ‘ol me!
(VILLAGE)
Such a pretty me!
Still a fighting spirit,
Still a little nuts
Still the same ‘ol me!
(VILLAGE)
Such a pretty me!
(ALL)
It’s been stunning
And amazing,
How this village has kept me so strong,
I’m so sappy
That I’m now bursting out in song!
How this village has kept me so strong,
I’m so sappy
That I’m now bursting out in song!
posted by Carolyn @ Tuesday, April 18, 2006
28 comments
28 Comments:
OK, Rogers and Hammerstein got NUTHIN' on you! Though I'm not sure you're allowed to say "whom" in a musical. :)
We were in Portland for the weekend, so I'll tell you about part of the trip as a distraction. My cousin and her husband live in an airpark neighborhood in Independence, OR. I had no idea such a thing existed. The houses are arranged in rows at right angles to a runway, and most homes have a hangar as part of the garage. So the fronts of the houses have driveways to a street, and the backs of the houses have driveways to a taxiway. You get in your plane, taxi out, close the garage door (suppose you use a Genie remote?), taxi to the runway and take off. After flight, you just taxi back to your house. It has to be the coolest thing I've ever seen. They're building a four-seater kit plane in the garage. I have a new purpose in life. :) I can just see it, "Hey hon, is the car seat in the plane? I need to run to the store with the kids."
You still amaze me with your willingness to keep looking at the best of all this. I think I'd be singing "Man In The Box" (Alice in Chains) by week two. All will (eventually) be well.
love,
bmc :)
Cari,
Your song strikes a chord (chuckle) with my idea to fill time. Your husband is a talented musician. I too have been known to pluck a string or two. Perhaps you already have this talent, but just in case: You should learn guitar! It is time consuming (especially at first) requires patience and focus but the payoff is BIG. Maybe you already know how to play. ?? I bet Jim has a guitar. If not, I have one you can borrow. What do you think? Your song lyrics are quite clever btw. You could put it together with some guitar strumming!
On behalf of LC I have made an executive decision. Your hiatus cannot begin until you've performed the song for us. It can be on a telecon, but I expect to hear it. I doubt there are many people going through what you are going through who could "burst into song." Yet, you never cease to amaze me with your strength and sense of humor. Stay strong and know you are loved by many!
Since I am making executive decisions for LC, I guess I have to put my name.....
--kara
Ha ha ha - that is so awesome! I can't believe you even got in the little "la la la la las" in the background! If it wasn't the end of the work day (i.e. my brain is fried), I would try to come up with another song for you to parody. Instead, I will give you other fun things to do:
* put a drop of lotion on the back of each hand. Rather than rubbing it in, just watch which hand soaks up the lotion quicker - that should take a while (I think...)
* Turn photos upside down in their frames and see how long it takes Jim to notice (thanks to Pam for the inspiration)
* Draw on your body! You can use markers (avoid permanent), or it you are feeling more artistic, henna is a good choice. And you can show off your work to everyone!
* Take something that is really old and that you should have gotten rid of a long, long time ago, go outside and smash it on the sidewalk. Or, drop it out of a window (maximum effect!) Old fruit would probably work good too
* Write inspirational phrases on sticky notes and hide them all over the house - if you are really good at hiding them, you will find them in a few weeks or months.
* Meditate - imagine all those toxins running around and chasing down the evil cells and crushing them like the dogs they are!
You are so amazingly strong of spirit - you keep on trucking girl!
Big hugs and lots of love,
Karlynn
I've thought about the henna and asked one of my friends who is quite the henna expert. She suggested waiting until about 8 weeks post chemo before using henna. She says that henna does last very long until the chemo is out of the system.
However, I found these really great crystal stick on tattoos: http://www.shop.com/op/~Crystal_Tattoos_and_Jewlery_Craft_Kit_by_NSI-prod-18184198-25372393?sourceid=298
Now these look like fun. I am thinking about using them *E*V*E*R*Y*W*H*E*R*E that used to have hair. Except my nose, of course!!
We can start a new fashion trend - crystal ankle bracelets maybe???
Just a thought from me to you!!
Your song is stupendous.
The journey horrendous.
And you, still tremendous.
Love and proud smiles, Carol - one of the Village People
La la la la la la LA la la
Singing coming from OK - along with lots of love and strength!!!!!
It think this song is better than the original! Can't wait for you and T to perform it for us :)
Hang in there girlfriend. You are strong, wise, and amazing!
Love, Michele T.
PS -- I love the acupuncture ear points!! (seriously!)
Truly impressive lyrics! It's so wonderful to follow your brave journey! I agree that it's a must to hear the song performed! Enjoy each day for what it has to offer! Just think what a difference you are making in many people's lives!
Thanks for the ongoing updates, honesty and attitude. Your compositional talents are awesome!!! This does, however, give me a little PTSD as I recall my highschool-boyfriend-theater-WestSideStory-Days, but I can deal--dont worry about me:-) Sending more Children's Hospital vibes your way-----------> Keep it up!
Ugh...can't get song out of head!!!
Oh well..at least it's a better version than the original. Maybe we could come up with a ride at Disney World...ya know...to torment people...just like "It's a Small World". Never mind...I'm already having nightmares.
I, too, am looking forward to a performance by you, T and Carol!!
Hang in there Cari...as always, don't forget, you're cool!
Just dropping in to wish you well again. I have been keeping up with your journey...I'm sorry the waves of chemo have crashed down so hard on you. I love West Side Story - your new lyrics are great! :) I can identify a lot with your feeling of not knowing who is in that mirror or how in the world your life got to be where it is today. Life truly is not what you are given but how you choose to respond to it - and you are inspiring to me.
I just read something I want to share with you...
"You are more than the sickness in that body."
"You're not the pain in that body. It's there, but you're more than that pain. You're not the fear in that body. You're more than that fear. Float on it. Float ABOVE it. YOU'RE MORE THAN THAT PAIN."
Cari,
Weird Al Yancovic could not have done better. You can take that as a compliment or not. Can you do anything to a top 20, you know, for the younger folks? Maybe to Jessica Simpson?
Hang in there. Me and my family think of you often.
Brian, Heather and Ava Simms
Cari,
I went to a meeting last night for Team Colorado. This group was founded two years ago by a woman named Reesa Holmes who lives in Evergreen. She had so many people in her life that had been touched by breast cancer that she decided to start the group. It was started originally to walk the Breast Cancer 3-Day. The past two years they walked San Diego twice and Arizona once. So far her team has raised $140,000 towards the fight against breast cancer. She is now working on getting people to walk the San Diego 3-Day. Governor Owens has issued a proclamation declaring Team Colorado the Official State Team of the Breast Cancer 3-Day. She has 47 people from all over Colorado (the majority are from Genesee/Lookout and Evergreen)signed up so far. Each person is responsible for raising $2,200.00 For this walk she expects to raise over $100,000.00 or more. The meeting was a very emotional experience. Everyone at the meeting knew someone or multiple people with breast cancer.
I wanted to see if you have any interest is walking San Diego. It is Nov. 10-12. I was also going to ask Lisa and Tracy and your mom. Men are allowed to walk too. If you have any interest, please let me know and I can have Reesa call you. I am still trying to decide if I am going to do the walk. The last bit of information I wanted to share is on May 13th, (you may already know this so if you do, please excuse the redundancy) is the Day of Caring at the Denver Merchandise Mart. Apparently it is a huge resource for individuals and families dealing with breast cancer. Team Colorado will have two booths set up. Thought you might want to go.
I hope you are coping well. You seem to be doing great and I love your song. Kiss and hugs your boys, they will give you strength.
Thinking of you.
Marci Parsons-Grant
Regarding Lisa's comment, I guess I must consider myself one of the fortunate few who has never seen West Side Story, and thus, can't get this stuck in my head. But that damn "Handy Hands" song from Teletubbies has been playing non-stop in my noggin for (seriously) four weeks now.
Today is one of those days where I get toally overwhelmed by all the comments on your blog. So much aliveness and life being sent to you from so many people. It's inspiring and maddening. Maddening that it has to be like this right now. But totally awesome how so many people have come together in your honor yet again. Stuff like this truly brings out the best that is within us.
At the birth of both my kids, and at the death of my grandmother, a single thought supplanted all others each time in a moment of clarity:
"How can this be true?"
How can there be life one moment, and none the next? How can there be nothing supplanted by a new life a moment later? It really made me understand the analogy of the body as a vessel, and how it alone has nothing to do with who we are. Other than the fact that my grandmother is no longer here, who she was/is hasn't changed at all. And other than the fact that you don't feel good sometimes, who you are is still the same or enlarged to all of us. Laurie is right.
"How can this be true?" has come to be the only thought or phrase I can ever think of to express the deep wonderment I feel about heavy things in life, good and bad. Almost can't explain it. But I find myself thinking it alot lately because of all this. How can this be true?
How can something so bad happen to such a good person? And how can you stay upbeat and on top in spite of it all? I'm so glad you have everyone you do; it is times of need that really show the quality (or lack thereof) of your group of friends and family. Seeing people continue to show up, day after day, is such a testament to you and them.
Anyway, probably enough rambling on an introspective day.
As counterbalance, Megan says, "Zicka ticka ticka ticka ticka. Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
And Ronan says, "No way, SUCKA!!"
love you,
bmc :)
Hi Cari,
Sorry I missed seeing you today but I really think since you have insomnia if you were sleeping probably not a great idea to interrupt that!! I know you feel shitty and are not feeling pretty right now BUT you are still the wonderful Carolyn. And while the outside of you is not up to its normal standards, your inside and spirit continues to shine strong and true. And really, besides you and me how many other people have three guys who think we are the most wonderful, interesting and entertaining things on earth?!?!? Well, okay, maybe my numbers have dwindled a little with my boys getting older! But Jim, Xander and WHammie love you for you, for that matter the whole village loves you for you. I always remember what Dana Reeves told Christopher Reeves right after he was injured. He was saying something like this will change everything, you won't love me, etc. She said, you are still you and I love you. I know I speak for the whole village, you are still the same wonderful you, and we all love YOU!! Hang in there sweetie!
Colleen
Carolyn-
Just was wondering how you were and that wonderful song just made me LOL.... so you've no hair now, but what a stunning smile, lilt of heart, and strong life.
I concur w/ Colleen... you're still the same wonderful you and we all love YOU!!
Our move went fine. Still umpacking and the neighborhood is nothing like the old one, yours, where everyone loves you (drunks included) And there are no CUTE little kids running around... just 20, 30, 40, 50 & 60 somethings - granted a couple of cute young guys but hey, I'm a married woman.
We miss the 'hood, you, Jim and the boys...keep up the spirit of courage and edginess!!!
Love,
Rebekah
Very creative ;o) I, actually, sang along at 5:30 on a Sunday morning! We'll keep singing - you keep fighting!
Cari, stephany and I are pulling for you too. And because we haven't seen you since before the diagnosis, our image of you is that of pure vitality, the brightest and whitest light of who you truely are, from your absolute core!
hey there,
I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I've been thinking of you... particularly since I - like others - can't seem to get your spectacular rendition of I Feel Pretty out of my head. Do you know (you wouldn't, now would you) that when I was a kid I would dance around my room putting on the equivalent of Broadway musicals for the viewing and listening pleasure of all my stuffed animals... West Side Story was one of my favorite performances. Now I have said too much... ;)
Cheers,
Sophie
Carolyn -
Well I'm a bit behind in my blogging and am just giddy with your new song. I am a huge Bernstein fan and he really knows how to treat a cellist right (unlike Bach who requires one to play the same 8 notes over and over while the violins get all the fun and glory). I think R&H would love the new lyrics. If there is going to be a new broadway show with your song, I would like to be Maria. I can't sing and I don't look the part but I think I can pull it off (I mean, JLo went from a Fly Girl to an actress...certainly I can make transition from engineer to broadway actress). Oh, and can Keith Urban play the role of Tony??
I saw Kristi at the BD meetings. We are scheming for a huge turnout for the Race for the Cure in Denver this fall. I would like to use Ben's slogan for the t-shirts...we certainly could generate a great deal of awareness (attention?) that way.
Have a wonderful day.
RBW Fan Club President - Pasadena
Hi Carolyn
Your song is clever as always. I had no idea chemo could be so intense. But when I was signing up for meals I did notice that the end of chemo will soon only be a month away, right?
I was looking at your pics of Mexico and I think we've been where you were, was that Paradise Village in Neuvo Vallarta? Either way, what a beautiful place on earth.
We seem to have no time for movies anymore but we did squeeze one in (first in like 6 months)on Easter night--Narnia. Have you seen it? We both really liked it as we'd read the books when we were younger and it is so fun to imagine a secret world beyond the coats in the closet. (Reading the book is not a very helpful prereq).
Praying alot.
Laura & Jason
Finally have the old BMW back together, and did a ride to Snohomish on Saturday. Bars were way too low, and my wrists were killing me. Raised the bars and rode today to one of my favorite spots on the Kitsap Peninsula, Point No Point. It has an old lighthouse and beach, and most every salmon heading for Hood Canal or Puget Sound has to pass by there, so it's a great fishing spot too. You look across the water to Canada, and watch lots of ships go by on their way to or from the Pacific (container, cruise, tanker, etc.).
Last year the beach was terraced and steep, with lots of rocks. Rather harsh. We have had two major windstorms this winter (one in December, one in February), both of which resulted in 8-hour blackouts on the island. These storms moved beach logs around that are three feet in diameter, and 20-30 feet long. Logs that hadn't moved in a long time.
Anyway, up at Point No Point today, it was an ebb tide, near slack. The beach was sloped very gently from top to bottom, with nothing but smooth sand all the way. All the roughness and rocks from last year are gone. As I sat there, I couldn't help think of the metaphor that I hope is occurring in your life right now. A pretty obvious one, but wonderful nonetheless. The beauty left behind by these harsh storms was really intense and moving.
I hope that the current storm leaves you calm, beautiful, smooth around the edges, and wise. With lots of driftwood.
See you soon.
bmc :)
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