CONFIRMING THE PATH
Last week I found what I'm hesitant to call a "lump"-- it's smaller than a pea, under my right (i.e., my other) arm. I asked the surgeon and she said that, because of my history, they will take it out and check it just to be sure. She said it could be a lot of things. She said that because I am currently undergoing treatment it is very unlikely that it is a metastasis.
Here's what I heard: "blah blah blah metastasis blah blah blah". As clever as I've been told I am with words, I can not even begin to explain what a terrifying/horrifying concept that is to me. I have trouble even saying metastasis (and have to force myself to type it). Like I'm invoking lightning upon me or something (I'm reminded of college when I had to call marriage "the M word"). It's the concept of "nothing they can do" at that point. Even if I have another breast cancer. Even if I need chemo again. There are (albeit miserable) things I can do to get better. I have to get better.
The surgeon said if it is a metastasis, then I wouldn't need surgery because it wouldn't be worth it (!)-- to which I say BRING ON THE SURGERY.
It makes me wonder if this is the universe's way of confirming my path. In the past, I have been freakishly mature/nonchalant about test results (the ultrasound won't show anything... the biopsy will be benign... I won't have that gene mutation...) even if it was the worst case scenario (which it was) what was the point of worrying, I figured-- wasted energy, right?
When Jim and I were traveling around the world, I lost him for 4 days in Nepal. It's a funny story, now that I've found him-- and easy to play down how traumatic it was at the time. But to this day, if I'm not sure where he is, I pretty much freak out (in me standards, at least). It's like that part of me is somehow broken and I can no longer control my reactions.
This whole cancer thing has been a lot longer than 4 days, obviously. And waiting to get this test has made me realize that, eventhough I was champ before, I have (understandable) issues (now there's a euphemism) with dealing with the inevitable tests and probable scares. Thus, I need to do everything I possibly can to reduce my risk as much as possible.
Just please, please let me need surgery.
posted by Carolyn @ Wednesday, June 07, 2006
10 comments
10 Comments:
Cari -
I've been thinking about you (and praying for you) so much these days. We were in Crested Butte over the weekend and when we were hiking, we kept hitting these false peaks and each time I saw more land looming off in the distance I thought of you. You, Jim, Xander, Liam and your families have been dealing with so much. I can't tell you how angry and frustrated I get sometimes because I feel like I can't do more. It seems like you have had more than your share of false peaks and is just doesn't seem fair.
Then I stop and think and realize that getting angry does nothing but focus on the negative. I want to follow your lead and focus on all of the happy thoughts and positive things.
Your strength and bravery so far has been amazing - you are so much more than a tiger or an ox! I strongly believe that your positivity is helping you more than you will ever know. You are a vibrant, beautiful, funny, intelligent, wonderful woman that is a fantastic wife and the best mother. You are a supportive sister and a terrific daughter. Hold these things in your heart and send all that love to your lump under your arm. I really, really believe in the power of positive thinking and I know that if anyone can do it - you can.
Be strong, focus on love and be open to all the love that you are receiving from around the U.S.(world?). We are right beside you and want only the best for you.
Wishing you grace and peace (and some surgery to boot!),
Karlynn
That's right, as Karlynn says positive thinking really is wonderful and can make things just fall into place. And positive thinking is one of your many, many strengths. You are the hero in this story and you have all the support and so much more love and positive energy focused your way than maybe you even know. We are with you all the way in this hero-story. We will be with you through the next surgery (which will be tough, but as you will see this is just a scare - one that you don't need right now, but one that you can handle). We will be with you through recovery. And we will be with you through what comes next.
Cari - hold on to all your positive thoughts and together we'll force this poser lump into nothingness.
love, strength and lots of positive energy your way - Teri
Carolyn -
I got an error earlier when I was blogging...must be the e-mail police! So let me try to recreate my message...
Every morning, I walk the dog and we go past a children's store and there are monkeys (the stuffed animal kind) in the window...and I think of you. Every evening, I walk the dog and take the time to reflect on the events of the day, what I'm thankful for, what I need to improve on, what I would like to do if I win lotto, and who I would like to send a special prayer to...and I think of you. Every day I check your website at least twice (despite the fierce e-mail police restrictions), and I think of you. You will beat this thing called cancer because the power of positive thought, prayer, and modern medicine are all in your favor. When you find out the date for your surgery and let us all know, you have my word that I will contact 10 more people for more PTO so that you don't have to worry. Your village is here (and it's a big village) to make this journey a little more managable for you and your family. We are with you every day.
Sending you HAPPY THOUGHTS.
RBW Fan Club President - Pasadena
Likewise on the lost post from earlier.
Basically I was at a loss for words. As is the case with Karlynn, I am learning a thing or two about helplessness, but not to the extent that you are learning the same, I guess. Lots of things in the process prompt the same response from me, "Is that so?" There's just nothing to be done about some of it, you know?
The best I have to offer today is that I will hold your hand and stand with you no matter what.
love,
bmc :)
Carolyn,
One more thing? Why? I'm so sorry you have yet one more thing to juggle in this damn cancer circus. One step at a time. That's all you can do. At least I hope it helps to know that so many people are walking with you...one step at a time.
I have faith that you will win this battle, my friend. You are much too brave and strong and will make any opponent cower in fear.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeannette
Dear Cari,
At least you freak out about the important stuff (the rocks) -- and not the trivial stuff (the sand). A little freaking out is healthy (might even help us recognize what is truly important).
Sending good vibes your way. And am hoping for good news in return!!!
Love ya,
Pam
Carolyn,
Wow. That is very hard news that we too cannot even begin to understand. We are remembering you in our prayers constantly (Leyton is still focusing on eyelashes and eyebrows).
Love, Jason, Laura, & Leyton
Hi Cari,
Just wanted to let you know that I love you and am sending good vibrations your way and to the family.
Luv,
Unc B
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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