BELOW THE BELT
Today I went for a walk with my dad because he wanted to talk to me. Before we set off he had me lift a weight (with my right arm) and had me guess how much it weighed. I saw it, I told him, 6.6 pounds. On our walk he talked about how I have been joking about my (and this is the technical term) "Might As Well Eat Crap" theory-- that since I'll be poisoning my body to rid it of all evil, I might as well eat whatever I want in the meantime, since I'll be purging myself anyway. He wanted to make sure that I was kidding (I was-- sort of) and told me that he has been thinking a lot about nutrition. How the books say that exercise and being "at the right weight" is a major factor in reducing recurrence. (I know this. I read the books to.) He didn't want me to wait until 6 months from now to start "living the clean life", and potentially end up starting from further away from where I am now. He generously offered to help me find and pay for a nutrionist, because, as most of us know first hand, wanting to eat well and knowing how to/finding the time/effort to do so are often in different galaxies.
And then he said (and this is where I lost it) something like I felt how heavy that weight was, and it is hard for my body to carry that weight on it up and down the stairs. Alexander is 35 pounds. I am acutely aware of how very "heavy" that amount of weight is, and I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about how frustrating/difficult it is to carry twice that up the stairs when I carry X up to go to sleep. I know that I am hardly in the minority in my concern/torment about this issue.
"I know you are trying to help me," I told him, on the verge of hysterics, "but I wouldn't want to be called fat on my best day, and this is not my best day. I've got a lot going on in the next few months, and it's all I can do to face what's coming, let alone count calories."
Today I am as upset/sad as I have been so far. I don't really understand why this would upset me more than say, oh, being told I have a higher than I had anticipated chance of the cancer metastisizing in the next few years. I know that my dad is just trying to help and protect me, and being at a good weight is something he's really good at, and he just wants to share that with me. I have no doubt he has nothing but the very best of intentions.
It's just such a sensitive subject. Not just the overweight thing, (although that's a doozy). More importantly for me right now it's just, I don't know, the compounding losses. This morning some sweet soul (or likely two with the initials R&R) left doughnuts on our porch. What a fantastic treat for a lazy sunday morning! I want to enjoy these for the wonderful love-wrapped-in-sugar gift they are, not be banned from them as something poisonous. (Luckily I ate one before I went on the walk-- YUM). I didn't want to give up breastfeeding. I don't want to think about how heavy the things are that I'm lifting, or make sure I never get blood pressure taken from my left arm. I don't want to have to think about every single thing I eat and drink. I don't want to wait for test results every 6 months for the rest of my life. I don't even want to see how cute I will look with really short hair (note that I grew my hair out when I was 15 because everyone thought I was a boy). I really really don't want to be so scared.
Wah wah wah. Whiney as a walrus?
I do so truly believe that all will be well. But there is grief in this journey.
And today I'm just sad.
posted by Carolyn @ Sunday, February 12, 2006
9 comments
9 Comments:
So there you go. It sucks all the way around, no doubt about it. Maybe read Stress Transfer again, remember that we're all still out here trying to help in our small ways, but we cannot Know as you do. But you are never alone. And maybe it's just the right thing to be sad and frustrated. I know it gets that way for me, and what do I have to do? Write in a blog and send you positive energy? I'm not doing any of the work and I still regularly say, "fuck, fuck, fuck" about the whole thing. (Sorry to those easily offended; maybe it wasn't such a good idea to turn off comment moderation after all...)
You don't always have to be positive and upbeat. In the words of another favorite movie, "When things look really bad, like you're not gonna make it; that's when you've just gotta get plum mad-dog mean."
Still here, still thinking of you all the time,
bmc >:( <--my best attempt at mad-dog mean
It's okay to be sad, scared, mad...whatever. You are more than justified. Even if you weren't, who cares...they're your feelings. No one can take them away from you or tell you how you should feel.
I'm with you.
Cari...
well you are certainly entitled to be sad. It overwhelms me to think of the challenges that lie before you and the amazing strength with which you tackle each and every one. It's a relief to know that radioactive boob girl is a little bit human!
So, if I had to choose between curbing a sweet tooth and fighting off depression... I think I'd take the chocoholic route (or frootloops, cookie dough.... you and I being roommates was not good for our eating habits! - though it was great for our inside jogging! 'and contestant #2 is drooling!"). The good news on this one is that you can let someone else worry about it for you! I was thinking if I came out and cooked for you for a while, that'd solve the problem because the "aroma" of my culinary creations would dissuade anyone from ever eating again!
But then no one wants you to starve yourself... the reality is that this isn't about being fat or thin, it's about loving you and wanting to help. It's about keeping you in top fighting form... giving your body the ammunition it needs to be strong and healthy to defeat this horrific illness that has turned your life upsidedown. So why not take advantage of the army of people who want to help? If you can hand off all or part of the shopping/cooking piece of your life, go for it! You'll have that much more time and energy to focus on being positive, just one of the many many many things you are REALLY REALLY REALLY good at and that we can't do for you (you're so good at it, you do it FOR US!)('Amazing, son').
Well, your 'abstract random' friend is babbling aimlessly, as usual. If nothing else, know that with these words I'm sending a never-ending hug. I hope you know how much I love you. Say the word and I'll arrange a bimbo bonding visit... or 2 or 3 :) I'm not very good with words or food, but I am actually pretty quite adept at being a bimbo!
Big gigantic hugs and kisses,
mego
HI THERE,
JUST READ YOUR ... gosh, I hate those yelling capitals. Anyway, I wanted to add a Miss Buttinski thot here. As you know with your years long cry-cry-cry-me-a-river experiences with me, we speak to those we love in the emotional language we know.
Maybe one way to translate what I hear from dad is that the weight that he's thinking of nite and day is the weight on his own heart and soul for the pain you are going thru.
That angle is hard to discuss. Easier to discuss is how you can immediately be in the perfect, stress-free physical mode he wishes he could create for you.
The older I get, I more it seems that we end up telling our most important thots in code. We have become so adept at 'handling things' that we are not as fluent as we wish we were for the for the times that matter utterly.
If your dad were able to say what's really on his mind (correct me if I'm wrong here, Jeff) it would be something like this...
"Caaari, I love you more than I could ever say. I love you so much, I would weigh 200 pounds for the rest of my life if it meant you did not have to go thru this. You are my precious firstborn. You are my heart."
Okay, enuf from the crying mother-in-law. Celebrate your beautiful, courageous self. Of course you (and we) are sad, This is a time to be sad and the ten million other feelings on the way to contentment.
I love you, each and every one. Love, Carol
Carolyn -
I couldn't think of what to say before, so here goes another try.
There will be good days and there will be bad days. You will feel hopeful and other days less so. Again, I really believe that your mind (especially YOURS!) is an amazing tool that will help you succeed on this journey. The most important thing is to recognize your feeilngs for what they are and to name them what they are - mad, sad, hopeful, loved, angry, optimistic - whatever! Because that is what is going to help you feel it, let it go and move on. If you hold onto it and ignore it, then it will try to join in the fight against you. So cry, laugh, scream, smile - even all at the same time. You deserve to feel it all - and let it go.
I love you dearly - keep on feeling, girl and it will be alright.
Saving all of my positive juju for you,
Karlynn
Carolyn -
There's nothing like a good cry every now and then and a sad day to make the next day seem not so bad - although my husband thinks I could win an Oscar for some of my classic performances that involve at least 2 boxes of tissues (not including the ones that I pretend to pull out of my bra for a little comic relief), snot running down my face, masacara everywhere (I would buy the waterproof kind but how does it come off?), and a sort of choking sound that can only be imitated if I try to eat too many M&M's at one time, I think it's healthy and normal so why should you feel any different given the major events that you are facing so bravely? Most people struggle with their weight - that's just the cold hard reality of life as we know it. If they don't struggle with, they are either blessed with a really good metabolism or plastic surgeon.
I hope that Monday is a better day for you.
On a separate note, I'm all signed up for the Race for the Cure that is here in LA at the end of the month. I will be sending you HAPPY THOUGHTS as I run this year -I think this is my 15th year doing this race.
Your friends in Pasadena.
Hey Cari! I've just caught up on your musings. It was so great to see you last week. Jim, it was good to see you too! It's about time I met little Liam. I loved the smiles from both of the little guys. What fun I had skiing and visiting.
With regards to the food thing, in the face of cancer treatment that is basically being done to you, sometimes it can be a comfort to focus and put energy towards something positive you can control. (I’m thinking 7 habits & working within our circle of influence – am I a dork or what?!)
If you do decide to see a nutritionist, let me know what he/she says!!! Goodness knows I could use some tips. Speaking of tips, I hope you haven’t shared my top secret Sudoku tips with your dad. Ha!! (just kidding, Jeff.) I finished my first (and maybe my last – it took forever) SamaraiSudoku this weekend.
Hooray for the little milestones! (being able to pick up the squirmy little guy again (tomorrow)!)
I’m sad that you are sad. But I think that’s just where we should be sometimes.
I miss you. I think of you lots.
You are perfect just as you are.
Carolyn,
So I walked into my department office, when a woman came in selling raffle tickets for the local breast cacner support group (www.hcbhp.org). I emptied my wallet (only $20, they don't pay much up here!). Not in hopes of winning, but in hopes of helping someone like you. We can say that we all support you over and over, but in reality only those who have gone through this can really understand your range of emotions and feelings. Are you aware of this event: http://www.lbbc.org/news-detail.asp?news_id=488
You are not alone. There are several other support groups in your area. We will always be here, but there is more help out there.
If by some chance I do win the raffle trip to Hawaii, you get it.
All the best.
dustin
Carolyn,
This is a competely healthy emotion....If you stayed strong all of the time, you'd be weird....not that there is anything wrong with weird, but you know what I mean. Allow yourself these ups and downs. They are part of the journey and although that sucks, if you bottled them in you would eventually burst. The good thing is that you do have a million people who are lending a shoulder for you to cry on. The other good thing is that you have a father that cares enough to want to help you through this...as harsh as his help may have seemed, not everyone is so lucky to have a father that would care this much! Hang in there....I'm always here if you need a should on days like these!
--kara
Post a Comment
<< Home