INDEPENDENCE DAZE
I was bemused by all of the comments after my last post. I didn't realize I sounded so comparatively chipper. I'm reminded of before, when someone would say "Do you feel sick?" to which I'd respond, surprised, "Do I look sick?" (obviously...)
We had a wonderful time up in the mountains for the holiday. I LOVE fireworks... something about all the people around you not being able to contain their "oohs" and "ahs"-- but I have potentially traumatized xander forever (they're really LOUD in the mountains). Ah well.
Things to be happy about:
- This weekend liam was sick.... cough, drippy, all around miserable. I took him to the doctor and we were both psyched that it's just an ear infection and cold, a "normal kid illness"-- his breathing was fine throughout and some antibiotics cleared him right up.
- Sunday I wrestled with the kids all morning AND went on a hike and wasn't exhausted. I went to my last oncology appointment for 3 months last week. My CBC showed I was still quite anemic and needed another shot. Can you imagine how much energy I'll have when I'm not anemic?!
- In a nice karma circle, one of the wonderful women I've met through the blog's brother-in-law is a pulminologist where liam is getting tested, is on-duty that day can give us extra help if we need it. Yeah.
Physically, obviously, I'm doing great... other than the fact that let's just say I'm not at my most attractive stage. I look like a squishy, fuzz-headed, no eyebrow/eyelashes alien. (Did you know a lot of women, including me, actually gain weight on chemo? Isn't that insult to injury? Of course the fact that I took to heart the nurse's instructions to "eat whatever I want" didn't help...) As the doctors keep telling me (how is this for lame?) good thing I'm already married and have kids. Mentally, I'm torn between not wasting my "good month" and trying to prepare for this next surgery phase, which is quite frankly beginning to scare the crap out of me. There's some balance between denial and dwelling on it that I'm having trouble finding.
Way back in the beginning of this, I read a book that said women having mastectomies should take a bath and drink a glass of wine and say goodbye to their boobs-- that it is a real loss that requires reflection and acceptance. At the time (when I was just facing a lumpectomy) I thought it was a little ridiculous, and mostly just sad. Now I don't know what I think. On Monday, when we were back in the city, when we were going to sleep I heard booms and rushed outside to see if I could see... turns out we have a great view of above Coors Field from a few blocks away. As I watched the finale trying not to blink so I wouldn't miss anything, a random thought snuck into my brain: "this is my boobs' last fireworks."
But it's not my last fireworks-- and that, in the end, is all that matters.
posted by Carolyn @ Wednesday, July 05, 2006
9 comments
9 Comments:
Can't pass up the chance to be first!
So glad you enjoyed the 4th - fireworks are truly magical (X will get there, just wait a year or two).
Just so you know, I think it is healthy to have moments enjoying how good you feel and others when you are scared by the next hurdle. Let's face it surgery is scary (especially with all those damned medical shows on TV now). If you didn't feel both, you wouldn't be human. So embrace the feelings and then let them go...then do your best to enjoy feeling good in July. :)
And as for your random thought...yes it might be the last fireworks for this version of your boobs, but I know your next version of belly boobs will enjoy the bangs and ooh and ahhs just as much. And like you said, you will get to see many more fireworks and that IS what it is all about.
Still sending all my positive juju,
Kar
My dogs lead the Coalition To Abolish Fireworks And Other Things That Make Loud Noises, so the 4th (which I love) is always a mixed bag. They usually get as far back in a closet as they will fit, and just shake for about 12 hours. Loud TV helps. Maybe X could keep them company next time. I always find it interesting that dogs emit this strange odor when they're scared--maybe there's really something to that "animals can smell fear" thing. Do you smell right now? :)
I so can't even begin to understand how this all must feel for you. As bad as the movie was, I always liked a little snippet from a Keanu Reeves movie (Little Buddha maybe?) where a monk is talking to someone about the soul/reincarnation/etc. He holds up a cup of tea, and asks a guy what it is. ("A cup of tea", says the guy). The monk then drops the cup, and it shatters on the floor, spilling tea everywhere. He asks again what the cup is, i.e. saying that the cup is no longer a cup. He then uses a sponge to mop up the tea, wrings it out into his other hand, and says, "Still tea."
Not that I'm a Buddhist or a reincarnation guy or anything, but it was a nice way of looking at The Vessel versus The Contents of The Vessel.
It's a nice thought, but if I had testicular cancer and was facing, uh, what would it be called, testectomy?, I am doubly certain I'd be freaking out. My friend Mike recently ran his finger over a table saw, changing the shape of that finger, and even that would be weird to me, I think.
In the end, though, you're still tea, and you've got a heckuvalot over Stephen Hawking! :)
I hope all the news on Liam is good next week, and that everyone is enjoying a little calm in between all the madness of late.
We had a great 4th, and Ronan scored a whole gallon-size Ziploc of candy at the parade. It's like Halloween on the street!
Can I also hijack your blog for a minute? I know a lot of people who read this have little kids...
On the morning of the 4th, we ran on a 2 1/2 week old infant who had been smothered by the family cat. Just sitting in his baby swing, dad asleep on the couch next to him, cat snuggled up on his face. Despite the best efforts of our medics, he didn't make it. Kathryn remembers being warned about cats and infants when we first had kids, but I don't remember that at all. I wanted to mention it for any new parents out there, or people who have friends with new babies and cats, etc. It is one in a million, but who cares if it's yours...
All the best to everyone there in CO. We still think and talk of you often, and are pulling for an easy road from here. Surgery will be tiresome, but hopefully not just miserable like chemo. At least you get good drugs!
love,
bmc :)
Your boobs have seen more in 33 years than some see in a lifetime. They skipped a grade in elementary school, won a Math Counts competition, became valedictorian of the Golden HS Class of '90. Ok, maybe your brain had a little something to do with those things, but your boobs were along for the ride.
They also got to grow up in the Rocky Mountain air, go on many fun family vacations, join the Navy, live in Japan/Australia, and travel the world.
They were with you on your wedding day and probably most importantly, nursed two boys in their first year of life.
Your new boobs are going to be psyched to take over and be able to experience many adventures yet to come :) Ok, i'm done talking about my sister's body parts..
Glad to hear you're feel'n better! The energy thing gets better everyday! When I was facing mastectomies, it was scary and overwhelming. Mostly because it was facing another "setback" in energy and recovery.
It's hard to face when you have felt crappy for so long and are FINALLY starting to feel better. Facing yet another treatment feels like a mountain.
Face it, deal with it, then do it. You really ARE what matters, no matter what. When I felt like stopping, my husband would say..."Dana remember you are doing this so you can see your girls go off to their first day of kindergarden". It put things into prespective very quickly!!!
Remind yourself why you are doing this and let your self be frustrated and scared...because this crap is not fair! But you are DOING it! And you will LIVE because of it!
Lots of Love!
Dana
Wow, what a roller coaster you've been on in the past 2 weeks.
From your discussing feeling tired after a party for 6 adults and 3 kids {even those of us who have household help and haven't been going through chemo feel that) to your "feeling good" blog (I love how you can always find ways for us to relate – we’ve all had those days right after being sick and your shocked by how good “normal” or even somewhat “normal” can feel) to your July 4th post (my boobs and my family are jealous, we didn't get to see fireworks this year in Peru)!
Much love and thinking of you often,
Katherine
Carolyn -
Glad to hear you had a great holiday weekend. Many of the Californian women taking in the fireworks earlier in the week in Pasadena did so with a set of boobs that they weren't born with...and they all seemed to really be enjoying themselves. Their plastic surgeons were likely vacationing in some exotic location but I digress....
As for the weight gain, my mother has a theory (sort of like what you learned in physics - "matter can neither be created nor destroyed"). If you walk into the room and announce "I lost 5 lbs" she will always reply "Thank you, I found them"....so right now you found the weight someone else recently lost. But don't worry, when you lose it, it will be given to someone else. If I have a vote in the matter, please give it to Nicole Ritchie or Paris Hilton or someone else on the Hollywood "too thin" list.
Hope you have another fabulous weekend.
RBW Fan Club President - Pasadena
carolyn,
I had bilateral mast w/expanders and let me tell you, chemo is a LOT worse. I know you're having tram flap which is different, but, really, you strike me as being a bit like me in that "lets just do it" way. For us, long drawn out chemo is much worse than short sharp surgery. You'll be fine. Boobs are replaceable. You ain't.
Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.
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Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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