I'M NOT BRAVE, I'M IN DENIAL

We met with the surgeon for a pre-op visit today... me and my entourage of jim, mom and dad. We were all squished into an examining room and I had to sit up on the table, even though all they did was take my blood pressure (at least I didn't have to wear a gown). Don't you think doctor's offices should have conference rooms?
It was a bit of a shocker. I truly thought I was going to be able to go snowshoing the weekend after the surgery-- I had given up on the notion of skiing, but thought I would be good to go for the weekend and back to work on Monday. I was, apparently, smoking something.
I don't think I am being polyannaish (is that a word?) when I think these things, I think I'm just an idiot. I'm getting annoyed with myself for continuously being told information to which my reaction is "WHAA??!!" but I guess shock in smaller doses is more palatable. If I found this all out on day one I'd probably have dissolved into an unresponsive quivering mass, so maybe denial is a good thing?
In any event, we found out that my surgery will be more extensive than anticipated-- thanks to the "suspicious" PET scan findings she's going to go ahead and do the full axilliary node dissection (i.e., they take out 15ish lymph nodes) instead of just doing the sentinel node dissection, in which they just take out one. If the sentinel node had been positive for cancer during the surgery, they would've gone ahead and done the full thing anyway, so it was always an option, but again, that denial thing. The main disadvantage of taking out all of these lymph nodes is that I will likely have some permanent numbness under my arm, which the doctor said could make shaving my armpits a challenge (darn) and risk of lymphoma (severe swelling) in my arm and hand. The good thing is that jim is going to have to carry the really heavy pack when we go backpacking from now on (as opposed to before, when I carried everything), and I have an excuse not to do a lot of gardening.
The fervent hope is they take everything out and it turns out to all be negative, which will be a relief to know. I'll still get the maximum rounds of chemo though. But I would definitely prefer everything that follows this surgery be preventative rather than treatment.
So, here's what they said will happen: (Warning, potentially graphic content to follow) I'll go in about 7am on Tues to Rose Medical Center. Around 9am I'll get taken over to get another radioactive dye injection (YES, more power for my superhero alterego RADIOACTIVE BOOB WOMAN!) I'll sit around for 3 hours waiting for the dye to do it's thing. The surgery will start at 12:30 (time your happy thoughts!) and will take around 2 hours. Dr. Miller will first do the sentinel node dissection (I guess she's still going to do it eventhough they're going to take everything out), then remove (get this) approximately a raquetball sized chunk out of my breast. Then they'll take the nodes out. They'll know during the surgery if the sentinel node is positive (think NEGATIVE here). I'll spend about 3 hours being monitored, and then likely go home (this is outpatient surgery, if you can believe that) with a compression bra, 2 incisions, and a drain that looks like a plastic grenade on a tube stuck in my left armpit. I am fairly horrified by the drain concept for some reason, but am sure I will be ok once faced with the necessity and reality of it.
No driving for 10-14 days. Likely no working for the same. Don't pick up anything heavier than 20 pounds (i.e., your children) for 4-6 weeks. No heartrate raising exercise (e.g., riding your bike to work) for the same amount of time. (Once again) WHAA??!! How are we going to get the kids to/from school? What am I going to do for work?I have exactly 9.6 hours of time off accrued thanks to maternity leave last summer and liam being sick last month... How can I possibly ask Jim to work AND take care of the kids solo AND take care of me? (...braveasatigerstrongasanox...yeahnotsomuch)
When Jim goes out in the cold, he always shivers uncontrollably for a minute or so ("I'm adjusting," he says) and then is fine. I think maybe that's how I am with all this stuff. All will be well. Several of my friends had c-sections and couldn't lift anything (including their kids) for weeks. They did fine. I used to travel a lot and was gone more than 10-14 days, and jim did fine without me, and that was without so many people bringing us food and offering to help. And work, well, I just took 3 months off with liam with no detrimental effects, no worries... and the grenade drain? Granted, still horrifying, but my mom's a nurse and dealt with them all the time. No problem, she says. She says she can also take it out for me-- but I'll likely take a pass on that one.
Brave as a Tiger. Strong as an Ox.