BUT WILL HE LOVE ME FOR MY MIND?

So I’m giving up breastfeeding. I’ve been cutting back over the past week or so, with the goal of being finished by the PET scan on Monday morning. I thought Friday morning would be my last hurrah, but last night (sun morning) I was up horribly swollen and uncomfortable and when Liam woke up at 4am (I had already been up for 2 hours in the lovely land of body too uncomfortable/mind too alert to sleep (not a real friendly place). I “gave in”. How sad is it that I felt guilty about reliving my pain and nourishing my child… In the scheme of things, giving up breastfeeding seems so small and insignificant, and given that I seem to be facing these other challenges (surgery/chemo) with much better humor (maybe they’re just too indistinct for me to worry about yet) I’m a little perplexed at my reaction. I was probably going to stop in the next month or two, plus it’s a pain in both the literal and figurative sense, especially now that Liam’s easily distracted and sporting teeth. But you see, I’m that baby’s WORLD. When I walk in a room, he’ll cry until I hold him (granted, that gets annoying, but it’s flattering too). Alexander was a daddy’s boy, almost from the first, but Liam, at least for now, is my guy. I always joked it was my boobs he loved, and not me. But what if it’s true? (and it has to be on some level). I’m losing the biggest tool in my arsenal. I can ALWAYS calm him down, make him happy, and usually get him to sleep by nursing. I admit I used it as a crutch, but I figure if I was bringing that god forsaken pump everywhere (“Where are the cables?” was the #1 stupid response among many from airport security guys) and going over to daycare pretty much EVERY DAY to nurse him, I deserved to garner every benefit possible. I have no doubt that if I would’ve gone the mastectomy route jim would’ve still loved me, but as I switch from nursing to the bottle I feel like I’ve failed liam somehow, and he’ll forget why I’m his favorite. I don’t understand why this seemingly small sacrifice is so hard. I feel stupid and frustrated that it bothers me so much. But it does. And it is what it is. On the good side, at least jim and I can split the middle of the night duties now. That’s something, I guess.